GROWTH? I don’t see any steenkin’ growth?
Of course you don’t. I have a hell of a time trying to figure out if I am better off now than I was 5 years ago or 10 years from now. I can’t remember ever looking in the mirror and realizing that I am not over 30 years old but at times I still behave like a little boy.
Am I a man? Am I the man that I have so well portrayed to the world? I doubt it. I am just a good actor.
It’s hard to see my growth. The best evaluation I have of my own growth is when someone that knew me last year or 10 years ago says to me: Dude, you’ve changed.
Although I can’t help but wonder,” Is that a good or bad change?”
I read a great book by George Leonard ,Mastery, that made a lot of sense to me.
Especially the idea of “homeostasis” as it pertains to ourselves (he also discusses “falling in love with the plauteu” which I will discuss in a future post).
My interpretation of that principle is that we simply return to our previous methods of thinking or behaving. (Great summary of this book George Leonard’s Mastery )
Even if we embrace change there is something inside us that will struggle with this new development and force us to take a step back.
Our family and friends are also playing the same role in their comments and feedback at times. They are trying to protect you. Ultimately it also due to the habits we have in our lives. To step outside of those habits takes huge amounts of energy mentally and physically. I believe that our bodies have also been trained to do certain things and if they are not doing those same things than struggle will occur. Imagine that for a moment: mind and body stepping on each others toes trying to learn something new.
Homeostasis is like a thermostat, yea thats it! It’s like a thermostat that everyone in your house tinkers with to get it just right for their comfort. It regulates the temperature in the car and in your home. When the temperature falls below or goes above a certain point the thermostat turns on either the air conditioner or heater in your home. It regulates the temperature.
So what does all this have to do with me? (I read minds too)
I recently quit my J.O.B. I love the fact I did it, but I can’t help but feel uncomfortable and nervous. It natural, right. My stinking body doesn’t know what to do with it self. The last couple of days around 2-3pm I get so tired. I sit at my desk and feel so weak.
My mind cannot concentrate for more than two minutes at a time(damn A.D.D.) even though I know that I should be working hard here at home to produce an income to feed my daughters otherwise I am a failure and the whole world will hate me because we all hate deadbeat fathers that take risks and fail to take other peoples well being into account, right?
I am making every effort to start new positive habits.
But damnit, it take at least 21-28 days straight to create new habits (or so I told my classes) And now I feel like a hypocrite and a liar. (Wow! Where’d that come from?)
So back to those “two steps forward”. Those steps feel so good until you have to take one step back. Luckily I know its that stupid homeostasis kicking in and wanting to protect me from taking risks and growing. I knew quitting was going to be difficult. I knew I was going to struggle with forcing to myself to be accountable. I knew I was going to have moments where I felt like an idiot for ever thinking I could be an entrepreneur. I knew it.
The unfortunate thing is that some people around me didn’t know this which then makes me doubt myself even further. But it’s ok. Really it is. Fall forward I keep telling myself. Fall forward.
I am not the same man I was one year ago, much less ten years ago. My beliefs are stronger and my passions run deeper. I wonder how I will feel about myself ten years from now when my daughter find this blog and read it. I can’t help but wonder if they will appreciate what I did and that it was truly for them.
The steps that I took back allowed me to take two steps forward and ultimately be a better father for them. I wonder if they will remember how I became a man for them to admire. I wonder. I act.
