Gbenga Awomodu

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ― Carrie Fisher

A young man came to me distraught, heads bowed in silence. He had traversed the city, been to many places, attempted many things, met many people – the list goes on.

“For how long will I continue to feed the dreams of other people and tend their gardens? Why is Disu doing so well in life, and I always playing the second fiddle?”

All he could see was other people riding his dream cars, living his dream mansions, regaled in his own dream apparel. They all seemed to live what to him remained only a daydream.

I called him by his name, and when he raised his head again, I looked into his eyes. The heaving sound from his nostrils shattered the silence. Then we talked.

***

“It is evil to kill human beings!”
“Our leaders are corrupt! They must go to jail.”
“Liars! Yes, you are liars. All liars will go to hell fire.”
“Adultery is a sin. How can a woman sleep with another’s husband; a man, another’s wife? God forbid!”

You are so quick to judge the obvious, conspicuous, easily seen sins.

You also love keeping up with the Joneses. They were never your neighbours until you left your haven in search of what was much more. There is nothing wrong with lofty dreams, except for you. You, who crave all that glitters, yet disdain moderation and dignity. You: the all-important one who must get the choicest of things first.

Remember when you got so angry when some other student scored higher than you; or when you kept malice the one who ‘stole’ your girlfriend’s heart?
What kills a man and nails his destiny to a permanent finality is within; it is hardly seen, mostly below-the-surface, often invisible.

How is it, young man, that you do not see those ‘little sins’, like resentment? Aeschylus once said, “It is in the character of very few men to honour, without envy, a friend who has prospered.” I wonder what you would do with those who are not even your friends!

Beware when you begin to count the blessings of other people, the exercise only leaves you no time to count your own. Why would a man do that? Why would a young man squeeze and belittle his own soul? You remain in that little box, and you must (always) fill that little space, only you! Envy can never be sated.

If you must find true happiness, envy nobody. And, always remember what François de La Rochefoucauld said, that “Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.”

“Men are scarce! A good man is hard to find!!!”

So today, I ask the simple question. What makes a man a man?

Is it the broadness of his chest, the six-pack framework, his towering height, bold face, calm mien, full beard, mustache, or deep croaky voice? Tell me, because I have seen many a man on this earth who had all those, but still fell short, somehow. The magazines and the screens keep them in your face all year long. They are in every industry, from business to fashion, engineering to the arts, just name it!

What makes a man a man? Is it the stash of hard currency in his bulky wallet, nine-figure annual income, or ability to pay his own bills and those of a dozen more people, or the vastness of his business empire? Maybe not; because too many witnesses are alive today to dispel the notion that material possessions are the ultimate measure of a man. For if they were, why would wives of the rich search for intimacy and solace elsewhere, or complain bitterly about empty beds and cold nights? A house is never equal to a home.

They say it brings so much joy for a man to have a home to look forward to. Wait a second; does a wife, wives, the number of children, or maybe concubines make one a man?

Many have wondered if the age of a male person counts towards him truly becoming a man. Is it the receding hairlines or the succession of many decades of his life on earth? If that is true then you wonder why there are so many grown-ups who cannot keep peace in a group, reason and present intelligible suggestions that would move society forward, or keep a home together.

What makes a man a man? Is it because he has answers to every question, or that he can solve every problem that comes his way? Or, how would you define the one who cannot solve all the puzzles in the world and easily admits it? Is a man less of a man when he admits the complexity of life’s issues and the limitations of his own wit?

What makes a man a man?

Such a simple question, but I have no simple answer. I ask for, today my tongue is tied.

It’s the last quarter of the year, and most of us will soon be due for annual review. It is time to check the books and get weighed on different scales – career, family, faith, health, relationships, business, finance and investment. Many will shudder and be forced to listen to the inevitable: “You have been weighed. You have been measured. You have been found wanting!” Others will receive the “thank you” note, possibly with some bonus cheque for their stellar performance. For the prudent and the spendthrift, bank account balance and statements will tell the tale. Incessant phone calls from creditors can give a defaulting family man a heart attack.

Hopefully, there might still be a reprieve for workers who have failed to meet organizational targets. Maybe it’s not totally their fault, but the manager has spoken, “This must not repeat itself, stupid. This is your last warning!” Some heads are high and looking up; others are heavy and hanging downwards in shame and tears. Everyone has put in efforts, but not everyone is there yet. You have invested a lot and the returns have been low and slow in coming back to you. Hold on, today’s post is for you – a quick one.

Have you ever failed? Ever been at the end of your tether? Not every situation requires that you go start from the beginning again. What if you have only been trying to get a different result by repeating the same routine procedures; you might not need to reformat your stuff or destroy what you’ve got now. All you need could just be to tweak your system and style of doing things a little bit. Take a step back and relax. Breathe in and let the air out slowly. Be bold and courageous. Banish fear and inertia by focusing on inner peace. Do remember: a bold face is not equivalent to boldness!

Many of our failures are often vestiges of times and challenges past. Like the experimental fishes that were caged within a glass boundary – we soon get used to old obstacles that we fail to realize when they are removed. We refuse to push one more time and fail to ride on the wings of success. There are glass ceilings to shatter and there are territories yet unconquered. Please, take note.

Today, friend, refuse to let your circumstances fool you. They can’t steal your joy. Don’t let the challenges blindfold you. See through it all; yank off that dark veil and do have a rethink. This is not the time for you to put down your tools and give up in the pursuit of your goals. They don’t have to be reasonable to everyone; not all the time. Come on! You have come ‘a mighty long way’ – through trials and tribulations; sorrow and pain; famine and abundance.

Have you heard of the man who could not achieve much with his inherited land and ended up selling it off at a paltry sum, just to meet his basic needs? When the buyer later found a gold mine therein, this man could not stand the humiliation he faced in the neighbourhood. He took his own life. Of course, that could not have been the way forward. You most probably heard that gist before. Please, don’t lose sight of the lessons. Stick to your plan and don’t give up for flimsy reasons. l love to see you succeed. Give it your best shot yet.

Just. One. More. Push!

“At the end of the day, the questions we ask of ourselves determine the type of people that we will become.” – Leo Babauta

Questions are everywhere – on the streets, in the malls, in classrooms, in homes and even at eateries and pubs – What? Why? Who? When? Where? How?

Questions abound in the minds and mouths of little children. A child wants to know many things, more than any adult could sufficiently answer. Spend a day with one of them and you get the chance to explore that world again – one characterized by innocence and curiosity that could drive you crazy if it’s not your lucky day.

Then, they grow up into adults, who also have many questions, but have mostly learnt to pick fewer things to bother their heads about. They have also learnt to define what exactly they want, hopefully.

What exactly do you want – out of life, out of this deal, out of that plan, out of that idea you have become obsessed with lately? Do take a second, and… now, let us move on.
I have heard on many occasions that “Why?” is the most important question you could ever ask anyone. Anything you want to do in this life, just ask yourself why? If you can’t tell for sure, you might just reconsider your desire! A guy is chasing you up and down, just ask him why (he wants what he wants)? You want to work with a multinational, why? A teenager asks for a new bag at the beginning of the second term when the current one is only three months old, why? Your parents want you to attend the family church forever, why? You must raise sixty million naira in two weeks for that bank you work for, why?

Then there is the question of identity. Who are you? Whether that sounds rude or not, how many times has that question left you embarrassed; maybe it made you to start doubting who you truly were? This question can be very tough, but it could hold the key to a life-changing journey to discovering who you truly are, beyond the façade and the appearances you have always put up.

When will they fulfill their promise to you? When will I find the right one? When will you get a good job? When will she say yes? When will he come along with his parents to ‘see’ my parents? When will you get the promotion you believe you deserve? When will I make my first billion?

Where do you get a lasting antidote for worry? Where? Where do broken hearts go? Oh! That’s simple.

Do you also remember this question: how did water enter the coconut? People have built multimillion dollar companies by answering the question: “how?”

According to John Fowles, 20th century novelist and author of The Magus, “The most important questions in life can never be answered by anyone except oneself.” I agree with him. Perhaps, that explains why even Jesus Christ responded to most questions he was asked with questions as well.

I believe that without questions, we would never have answers. We get the best answers when we discover and ask the right questions. The right questions asked at the right time in the right context and in the right manner can lead to a revolution – of ideas and other great things that blow away the most rigid minds.

“At the end of the day, the questions we ask of ourselves determine the type of people that we will become,” says author Leo Babauta.