In working with marriages in distress I\u2019ve discovered most men have injured the women in their life emotionally, at least at some level.\u00a0To understand how this can happen one needs to first understand one of the ways men and women are usually different.\u00a0Most men are predominantly thinking beings \u2013 they receive and process experiences in life in a predominately rational and logical way. If someone says something which offends a man he will accept or dismiss it based on whether it is true.<\/p>\n<\/header>\n
Most women are different. Women are usually more in tune with their emotions.\u00a0They are often more relationally aware. When life happens to them their dominant reaction is often to respond emotionally first. When someone hurts a woman\u2019s feelings, for example, even though the information they receive may be false, it takes them longer to work through the feelings associated with the emotional injury.<\/p>\n
(Of course both of these two paragraphs are general statements, but they ring true for most men and women.) I would contend, though \u2013 every woman\u2019s heart is injured to a certain extent. (And, fairly, probably every man\u2019s.) Sometimes this injury occurs gradually over time. Sometimes it comes suddenly through serious breaches in the marriage trust.<\/p>\n
The heart, speaking in terms of the seat of our emotions, was created much like other parts of the body.\u00a0When a finger is broken the body is designed to instantly start to heal and protect itself from further injury. When a person takes a swing at you, your natural reaction is to put your hands up in defense.<\/p>\n
The same is true of the heart.\u00a0When a person\u2019s heart is injured, it goes into a self-protective mode to keep it from further injury. Over time, after years of injury, the heart becomes almost calloused, refusing to allow anyone to injure the heart again.\u00a0A woman who has had years of emotional injury doesn\u2019t have much heart left to give to anyone, but especially to the one who has done the injury.\u00a0She has closed off her heart to keep from being hurt anymore.<\/p>\n
Most men enjoy trying to \u201cfix\u201d problems, but men cannot fix their wife\u2019s emotions. Emotions are not repaired as easily as one could fix a leaking faucet or program a computer.\u00a0So what is a man to do if he feels his wife\u2019s heart is injured? How do you heal a broken heart?<\/p>\n
Of course, Jesus is the Wonderful Counselor. He can come in, erase all the pain, and make the heart brand new. Most of the time, however, at least in my experience, He lets us wrestle with life\u2019s heartache while we learn to better love one another.<\/p>\n
The following steps are designed for a man to help heal his wife\u2019s heart.\u00a0This post developed when a pastor came to me with a horrible story of his wife\u2019s sexual abuse as a child.\u00a0Even today she struggles to trust any man, including her husband.\u00a0I gave him this advice.<\/p>\n
Here are 9 suggestions for winning back the heart of your wife:<\/h3>\n
Seek God<\/strong><\/p>\n Whatever draws you closer to God is a good thing \u2014 and will make you a better man, regardless of what happens with your marriage. When you are attempting to rekindle your wife\u2019s love, use this time to develop and strengthen your relationship with God. It starts, as all relationships with God begin, through a recognition of who Christ is and your belief in Him. Start there and grow.<\/p>\n Practice patience.<\/strong><\/p>\n The first thing men need to do is to recognize restoring a broken heart will not happen overnight.\u00a0Emotions heal very slowly.\u00a0Steps should begin to restore an injured heart or to rebuild the marriage, but men should not expect too much too soon.<\/p>\n Love your wife<\/strong><\/p>\n This is by far their greatest need.\u00a0Most wives have their love need unmet. The standard for our love is perfection\u00a0since a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. As imperfect men, we will actually never love our wife enough. The wife knows, however, when the husband\u2019s attention is somewhere else.\u00a0Many men sacrifice their marriage for their careers or other interests. A wife\u2019s love need is new every day. A wife needs to know that she is second only to God in her husband\u2019s affections.<\/p>\n I have found for my love of Cheryl to grow I need Christ\u2019s help. I pray for this often.<\/p>\n Every woman has a certain need for romance.\u00a0Many wives had a fairy tale idea of marriage when they were growing up. They realize early in marriage this isn\u2019t reality, but their need for occasional romance remains. Most men rarely know how to do this. A man should be genuine\u00a0but should recognize and value the uniqueness of his wife and find ways to give her romance.<\/p>\n I gave my wife a \u201cromantic\u201d trip to New York City for Christmas one year. We were going to dance, walk through Central Park, and just enjoy each other.\u00a0It didn\u2019t turn out exactly as I had planned it, but I earned huge points in the romance category with my wife.<\/p>\n Value words<\/strong><\/p>\n When a man comes home and says \u201cThis house is a mess\u201d, being a mostly factual being, that\u2019s probably all he meant.\u00a0He looked around, made a physical observation, and stated a factual conclusion. The wife, however, probably did not receive the information that way.\u00a0The wife most likely heard lots of negative information, such as, \u201cYou have done nothing all day\u201d, or maybe even, \u201cI don\u2019t like you.\u201d\u00a0This sounds impossible to most guy\u2019s rational minds, but with emotions receiving information anything could be heard, whether it was the intended response or not.\u00a0Men need to learn how to be gentle with their wives and the words they use.<\/p>\n One question I ask men, \u201cWould you let another man talk to your wife the way you talk to her?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Communicate on her terms<\/strong><\/p>\n Many women communicate best heart to heart \u2013 not head to head.\u00a0 A man should allow his wife to see his heart. He should be willing to be vulnerable with her.\u00a0Men may need to ask their wives to help them learn how to say things to her.\u00a0Men cannot talk to their wives as they would their guy friends.\u00a0Women require understanding, compassion, openness and honesty in communication.<\/p>\n Give constant assurance<\/strong><\/p>\n Trust is an important need for a woman in relationships.\u00a0The wife needs to know that her husband is going to be faithful.\u00a0Men should not take offense, for example, when their wife asks details about their schedule or the activities of their day.\u00a0The wife desires to be a partner in her husband\u2019s life and these details help her provide trust and security in the relationship. A man should also tell his wife frequently he loves her and is committed to her.\u00a0She needs this consistent assurance.<\/p>\n Learn to Live by Truth<\/strong><\/p>\n Ultimately life cannot be lived strictly by emotions.\u00a0We need truth.\u00a0Emotions are often unreliable. A woman who feels unloved may be very much loved by her family, but she fails to feel that truth because of years of emotional abuse.\u00a0Men should gently, but consistently speak the\u00a0truth in love, reminding his wife of her worth, her beauty, and her place in his life.\u00a0Over time \u2013 truth, when given with love, can help heal damaged emotions.<\/p>\n Keep doing it!<\/strong><\/p>\n The heart is damaged over years and years of injury.\u00a0Sadly many women have deep and tragic heart wounds, but much of this injury will have been unintentionally delivered and small in terms of the magnitude of the incident.\u00a0Years of emotional injury builds up in the heart until the heart becomes closed.\u00a0 The erasing of the pain will happen just as it was developed \u2013 a little bit at a time. The husband cannot try this for a week and then stop.\u00a0Protecting a woman\u2019s heart must become a lifestyle.<\/p>\n Recently I was talking with a man whose wife is experiencing deep depression.\u00a0As I talked with this man it became apparent that, though probably unknowingly, he had been damaging his wife\u2019s heart for years.\u00a0He cannot seem to understand why his wife is so emotional; \u201cEverything seems to upset her\u201d, he said.\u00a0The man told me he had tried to help her through her problems and everything they had going against them he could \u201cfix\u201d if she would let him.\u00a0I am not sure I could have ever convinced this man his attempts at \u201crepair\u201d were probably one of the chief causes of his wife\u2019s broken heart.<\/p>\n Most men tell me they don\u2019t know how to be who their wife needs them to be or wants them to be. I believe if we want to win back the heart of our wife we may need to learn how.\u00a0It\u2019s never too late to begin!<\/p>\n About Ron Edmondson:<\/strong><\/p>\n As pastor at Immanuel Baptist Church, a church leader and the planter of two churches, Ron is passionate about planting churches, but also helping established churches thrive. He loves assisting pastors and those in ministry think through leadership, strategy, and life. His specialty is organizational leadership, so in addition to his role as a pastor, as he has time, he consults with church and ministry leaders. Ron has a seminary master\u2019s degree and a master\u2019s in organizational leadership.<\/p>\n Originally published via<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/onbecomingaman.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/couple-814825_-resized-1024x812.jpg\")
Romance her<\/strong><\/p>\n